School Age Questions - Smart Love Answers

Emotionally dependent daughter.

My eight-year-old daughter (her brother is ten, her sister is six) is very 
smart, very creative, and very emotionally dependent on me. Unlike 
her siblings, she never plays alone; when she’s not with a friend, she’s 
interacting with me or moping around the house complaining of being 
bored. She’s also going through a phobic stage the last six to eight 
months. At least six times a day, she checks in with me, worried about 
marker fumes she may have inhaled, or paint that might have gotten 
into her mouth, or a disease she might have. I should add that, in this 
emotional profile, she mirrors me. Although I have more self-awareness 
and have developed coping mechanisms, we’re two peas from the same 
pod. Any words of wisdom?

K.G., Oak Park

It sounds to us as though as the middle child your daughter is feeling 
the need for extra attention. The most helpful response to her “emotional 
dependence” is to fill her tank by giving her as much positive attention 
as you can spare. If possible, spend some time with her every day in 
an activity of her choosing. If she says she is bored, perhaps you could 
involve her in a project (cleaning, cooking, filing papers, etc.) with you. 
If you include her in your work whenever possible, you will be satisfying 
her need to be with you and creating opportunities for pleasurable chats. 
We believe that your daughter’s phobias are, at bottom, a result of her 
need to have more of your attention. All children are convinced that “to 
be like is to be liked.” Unconsciously, your daughter believes that if she 
is like you in every way, including sharing your fears, you will want to 
spend more time with her. 
     If you both reassure your daughter each time she comes to you 
and also give her as much of your time as possible, her phobic behavior 
may decrease. It might also reassure her if you tell her that you had 
many of the same fears at her age and share with her some of the coping 
mechanisms you have developed.

SCHOOL-AGE Q&A

Emotionally dependent daughter.