Teen Questions - Smart Love Answers

Early adolescent attitude.

My ten-year-old daughter has developed an “attitude,” and it seems to 
get worse when she spends a lot of time with her friends. At home, she’s 
become surly, impatient, uncommunicative and abrasive-flouncing about 
like a put-upon teenager. With her friends, on the other hand, she’s 
animated, exuberant and thoroughly charming. These are kids she’s known 
since preschool. I’d expect this split personality-type behavior from a 
thirteen- or fourteen-year-old (and I’d probably tolerate it, chalking it 
up to adolescence). But I’m afraid that if I let her get away with it now, 
other precocious behaviors won’t be far behind-and may be even harder

T.L., Northbrook

We have been hearing from many parents that emotions that characterize 
adolescence seem to be appearing earlier and earlier. You don’t say whether 
your daughter has begun menstruating yet, but if she has or if she is going 
through the physical changes that precede menstruation, the surge in 
hormones could be affecting her moods as well. 
     Also, if you can find a time when your daughter seems willing to talk, 
try to find out if there is something upsetting her, especially problems with 
friends or schoolwork.  Often children will show a brave and charming face 
to the rest of the world and let down their hair at home. 
     In general, if your daughter is cranky with you but is functioning well 
in the rest of her life, there is probably no need to worry.  You have created 
a sufficiently nurturing environment that she feels safe blowing off steam 
at home, and that release frees her to be delightful with friends and others 
outside the family.  If you understand that you are helping your daughter 
by allowing her some room to be moody and grouchy, it may make it easier 
to get through this period.  There is no reason to fear that tolerating her 
dramatic moments will encourage her to engage in an unhealthy type of 
precocity.  On the contrary, by cutting her some emotional slack, you make 
her feel understood and loved.   She will feel inspired to treat herself with 
the same caring you show her, and will be less likely to engage in self- 
destructive behaviors.

PRETEEN/TEEN Q&A

Early adolescent attitude.