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Helping Children Navigate Life Events



Starting school, moving to a new home, welcoming a new sibling. Change is a constant of life and whether big or small, it can prompt adjustments that can be challenging for most of us. As adults, we have more life experience to adjust to change and keep it in perspective. For children, however, life changes – whether major or minor – can be unsettling. Parents and caregivers play a crucial role in helping children adjust to these types of changes. 


Understanding Your Child’s Perspective


Although some life changes may seem like routine or even minor events to adults, they can be overwhelming for children. How children respond to changes can vary, depending on their personality. While some may adapt easily, others may feel a range of emotions, including sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, and stress. Parents may also notice changes in their behavior, including moodiness and isolation. 


It's helpful for parents to view these changes through their child’s eyes and try to empathize with what they may be feeling. For example, you could ask yourself, ‘How could this change impact my child’s sense of security, comfort, or predictability?’


Helping Your Child Adapt to Change


The following are some guidelines for helping children adapt to change, along with real-world examples: 


  • Consider Your Own Feelings – To help your child, start by checking in with your own feelings, especially if the change also impacts you or your family. Whether you’re feeling excited, scared, or anxious, try talking to a trusted friend or family member about your feelings. Once you’re aware of how you’re feeling, you will be better able to help your child. 


  • Validate Your Child’s Feelings – Allow your child to express how they are feeling about the change, while recognizing that their feelings may be different than yours. Set aside some time to check-in and listen without judgment. (Younger children may need to express their feelings through play or drawing.) Be sure to ask follow-up questions and let them know that you realize the change is affecting them and reassure them that it is okay to feel a range of emotions and that life changes can be difficult for everyone. 


Example: If a child is worried about going to a new school, a parent could say, “It’s normal to feel nervous about going to a new school. It’s okay to feel that way. Maybe we can practice taking our route to school and back home.”


  • Prepare Your Child – When possible, tell your child about an upcoming change. Be sure to use age-appropriate language and keep your explanation simple. For young children, it may be helpful to use picture books to explain what to expect. This preparation can help your child feel less anxious. 


Example: For a child about to start preschool, parents can read books about school or visit the new classroom ahead of time. They can also introduce their child to the teacher, if possible, and talk about fun activities they’ll do at school. 


  • Maintain Routines – Children need routines and consistency to feel at ease. During a major life transition, try to maintain your child’s daily routines as much as possible. For example, keep regular mealtimes and bedtime routines. Predictable daily activities provide children with a sense of consistency when they’re experiencing other changes. 


Example: A divorce can introduce numerous changes to a child’s life. For example, there is often a second household introduced along with possible new routines. In these instances, it’s helpful to be flexible and patient. A very young child may have trouble sleeping at the new household. In this case, the parents can gradually introduce napping and sleeping at the new place. As Dr. Martha Heineman Pieper and William J. Pieper explain, “It’s important to use your child’s comfort as your guide. Your sensitivity to your child’s needs for stability and familiarity represent the informed love that will allow them to grow up feeling confident, worthwhile, and effective.” 


  • Give Your Child Choices – Involving your child in life changes can empower them and make them feel like they are involved in the process. Choices can also make change less intimidating. 


Example: If a new sibling is on the way, there is a lot parents can do to get their child used to the idea of a new member of the family. They can try to involve their child in the preparations by asking them if they would like to help pick out baby clothes or decorate the nursery. Parents can also bring their child to visit friends or family members with babies and talk with them about their new role as an older sibling. Your child’s reactions to these preparations may range from excited and happy to feeling worried and angry. Be sure to welcome any and all feelings that your child may be expressing.


  • Create Rituals or Provide Transitional Objects – Rituals and special objects can help provide comfort for your child. Examples include a favorite stuffed animal or blanket that can give them a sense of familiarity. Rituals can also provide closure for “saying goodbye” to the old situation and a positive start by “welcoming” a new situation. 


Example: If moving to a new home, families could throw a “goodbye” party for the old house or take a special walk around the neighborhood to say goodbye to special places. Sometimes older children can become angry with their parents about the move and being taken away from friends and familiar surroundings. These are age-appropriate reactions and it’s helpful to be patient during this adjustment period. As Drs. Pieper explain, “Before children can begin to enjoy new surroundings, they need some time to express their feeling of having lost their old way of life. If you are accepting of your child’s being upset, you will actually accelerate their adjustment to their new life.”


  • Provide Extra Comfort – Being available to your child and providing extra reassurance helps remind them that they are safe and loved, regardless of the changes happening around them. Offer hugs and try to find time just to be together, such as during the ride to school or before bedtime. 


Example: In the case of the death of a loved one, children may believe they did something to make their loved one want to leave or become scared about their own well-being. It is important to not dismiss children’s experience or to make them feel bad about their fears. The best approach is to offer assurance and comfort. A parent can say, “Grandma was very, very sick. We will miss her very much, but even though Grandma is gone, Mommy and Daddy are here and we take good care of you and of ourselves so that we are healthy. It’s normal to feel sad and we may feel sad for a while. The best way to help us begin to feel better is to talk about our feelings and to be with those that love us.” Drs. Pieper offer this guidance, “Share with your child how much you miss your loved one and that you know it will take a long time for that pain to ease. The strong bond you have with your child will help all of you to get through this painful and difficult process.”


Life changes, both positive and negative, offer valuable opportunities for children to learn about life and understand their feelings about change. Parents can help their children navigate these changes by offering their empathy and support. Also, knowing that each child will adjust to transitions at their own pace, parents should be patient and flexible. Helping children navigate life transitions is a powerful way to foster their emotional well-being and increase their ability to cope with change throughout their lives. 



Sources


Smart Love: The Comprehensive Guide to Understanding, Regulating and Enjoying your Child, Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D., Harvard Common Press, 1999.


Smart Love Solutions in Early Childhood: A Handbook for Parents, Teachers, and Caregivers, Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D., Smart Love Family Services, 2010.


8 Ways to Help Kids Deal with Life Changes, Get Parenting Tips website, Getparentingtips.com

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