Say “No” to Chores and “Yes” to Family Bonding

Getting children to help around the house can often be fraught — it can involve nagging, bribing, etc. — and end up being such an unpleasant process that parents give up and do everything themselves. However, it’s possible to reframe traditional “chores” in ways that not only engage your children in helping but also strengthen your family bond. 

Let’s look at some ways you can transform the dreaded “chores” into a more positive experience for everyone in the family. 

Make Helping a Family Value:

One of the best ways to make helping with household tasks a more positive experience for children is to focus on why helping is important instead of on the tasks themselves. You can stress that being part of a family means helping each other in any way we can. By making helping part of what families do for each other, the individual tasks become a way to show our love and support for those around us. 

Adjust your Expectations:

It’s important to adjust your expectations to fit your child’s level of development and maturity. Doing so will make it easier to respond in a positive way if tasks aren’t done the way you would do them or are neglected. For example, helping to feed the family dog can be a reasonable task for a six-year-old but they may forget to do this task consistently and at the appropriate time. When this happens, instead of criticizing them for an age-appropriate lapse, you might offer help in the following way, “We had our dinner, now it’s time for Rover’s dinner. I’ll hold the bowl for you if you’ll pour the food in.” 

Use Age-Appropriate Tasks: 

Try to select tasks that are appropriate for your child’s age. Obviously, older children can take on more responsibility, such as taking out the garbage or vacuuming. But even young children can handle various tasks on their own or with a little help. The following are some examples:

• Toddlers and preschool children can help parents or caregivers with tidying, such as putting away their toys and placing the pillows on their bed after it’s been made; cooking projects, such as snapping beans or stirring cookie dough; tasks involving water, such as washing the kitchen table; and with laundry, such as sorting clothes by color and folding. 

• School-age children can help with clearing dishes from the table or helping parents load some dishes in the dishwasher, unpacking or putting away groceries, or making simple meals, such as peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

• Teenagers' abilities increase as they grow into high school. They can help parents by folding and putting away the laundry, walking the dog around the block, or walking to the store to buy eggs. Teenagers also have a lot of school obligations as well, so be sure to balance your expectations with the demands on their schedule.

Foster Connection and Fun:

The best way to encourage children to help is to utilize your positive parent-child relationship. For younger children this involves suggesting that you do tasks together and making them fun in the process. For example, if you want help putting clothes in a hamper, you could suggest that your child shoots “baskets” with the dirty clothes on the floor or set a timer and see who can pick up the most toys. Children enjoy being with their parents and doing what they’re doing, which makes them more eager to help. 

If your child doesn’t feel like helping, view this resistance as an opportunity to check in and see if something is bothering them, such as a bad day at school. It’s important to provide your child some grace instead of turning the reluctance into a power struggle. As Dr. Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D. explain, “Most important, keep in mind that your goal is to show your child that helping you can be satisfying, not force him to do work that he will never want to do when he is living on his own and can choose not to do it.” 

Strengthen Family Bonds: 

Having a weekly family meeting is also an effective way to engage children in helping. These meetings provide an opportunity to talk about the positives and challenges of the previous week and look ahead to the coming week. You can discuss the tasks that need to be done and ask for input and ideas about how everyone can help. 

Avoid Rewards:

Traditionally, parents have tied allowances or other rewards to completing “chores.” Although doing so may sound like a good practice, there are a couple reasons why this isn’t effective. Drs. Pieper describe the reasoning behind this as follows, “Both rewards and punishments are counterproductive because they are coercive. When you give rewards for chores, the message that you send is that the chore is unpleasant and the child has to be bribed to do it. When you punish the child for not doing the chore, you end up in a power struggle. When you force a child to do the chore, he resents it.” 

As you can see, by using a little creativity to make doing tasks more enjoyable and focusing on how helping others is important, children will learn that helping makes them feel good. By enjoying doing their part, children will grow into adults who want to be helpful even when no one is forcing them. 

Sources

Smart Love: The Comprehensive Guide to Understanding, Regulating and Enjoying your Child, Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D., Harvard Common Press, 1999. 

Raising Helpful, Responsible Kids Begins with Chores, MiaLisa Millares, Doing Good Together website.